Insane or Brilliant?

My mother is great, really she is. However looking back on my life I can't help but wonder if the woman was completely off her rocker or developed the single most genius method of parenting known to mankind.

My Mother's Wisdom

On School Attendance

Ditching class was honest to God allowed so long as my mother or her sister were with us and we all did something fun together. Amusement parks, Fall Festivals, and Haunted Houses were all on the roster at one time or another. Typically they would come to my sister and my school with a very carefully thought out and irrefutable lie for the principal as to why we couldn't be in school that day. We would be aware they were coming because they would leave a trail of clues in our workbooks and lunch boxes. Once they counted down to 10:00 the time they would be taking us. Another time the clues were hidden in our Easter Eggs. Yup, my mother encouraged and even contributed the truancy, but oddly enough I have never once cut class on my own, after all; why bother? It wouldn't half as much fun.

On Drinking

I'm Scotch-Irish and Italian, so liqueur was never expressly forbidden, it was like coffee, a beverage that was bitter and burned on the way down, so my sister and I never really wanted it. Obviously when we were older things changed. But my mother adapted, and came up with a new plan to discourage any binge drinking when she was off the clock. She bought a house with a bar in the garage and gave a drink whenever we had a particularly bad day, best thing is she would drink with us, it was never enough to get drunk but it gave both my sister and me a 'why bother' approach. Booze was for relaxing, not partying.

On Homosexuality

1. "Don't be silly sweetheart, hot men aren't allowed to be gay," Not sure that's how it works Momma, but whatever floats your boat.
2. (After getting cut off on the way home from picking up Chinese and calling all men a detriment to the human race)
    Mom: Darling with all the bad things I say about men it wouldn't surprise me if you told me you were a lesbian.
   Me:....ummm yeah, okay. (Wha?! Again pretty sure it doesn't work that way!) Isn't Dad against that, being Catholic and all?
   Mom (Very serious): You know  father and I would love you no matter what you were or who you loved.
   Me: MOM! I am very much into men!
   Mom(completely unfazed): Okay, pass your momma and egg roll will you?

I'm not gay, but thanks for the constant love.

On Being Home Alone

Mom: Your father and I are going to Vegas for the weekend,
Me: Great, have a good time
Mom: You girls should have a party while we're gone,
Me: We should?
Dad: They should?
Mom: Yeah, the boys (Friends of the family only two monthes older then me and my sister) will be home alone too, you all should have a party.

Yes, my mother told me and my sister to have two boys over while she and my father would be away all weekend. We did by the way, but nothing happened, we honestly just played games and watched movies. It didn't even cross our mind. I think she used Jedi powers on us...

On Swearing

My mothers rules for swearing are simple; don't. However what was defined as a curse was odd.
B**ch wasn't a curse if it was being used to define an actual female dog, or if it was being used as anything other that a noun (B**ching wasn't a swear, nor was b**chy)
F*** was always a swear, but it was technically and acronym so if you wrote it down be sure to use periods.
Ass is a swear, Arse is not.
S**t is,
Crap is,
Ho is not
Whore and slut aren't if it's true.

My sister and I were so confused we never swore, because we didn't know which words were going to land us with weeks of extra chores.

And Finally, on Breaking the Law

1. "It's only illegal if the cops catch you."

2. Me: Mom! I'm going to go rob a book store.
    Mom: You are not! You can't drive while you are still taking Vicodin! (I had hurt my leg two days earlier)
    Me: Really? That's your reaction to that?
    Mom: It's a DUI if you crash, and your insurance will go way up.
    Me: X_X Honestly? My safety, and the criminal charges aren't what comes to mind?
    Mom: Nope.
    Me: Thanks Mom... good to know you care.
3. Mom: (At the cheesecake factory) Put the forks in your purse so we can eat the dessert at the movie tonight."
Me: Isn't that stealing?
Mom: No, we'll return them eventually.
Me: You know they have plastic ones right?
Mom: They can give those to other customers.
Me: They can reuse the freaking metal ones for other customers too!!!Mom: Fine, I'll put them in mine.

4. "Sweetie, you know the whole Criminal Justice thing doesn't work out you have a promising career as a loan shark.
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Everyone, my mother, systematically saying the wrong thing to make her children do the right thing. I think she's the person who is ruling the world without the world knowing it. Love you Momma! Happy Mother's day.

Yes I'm two weeks late, shut up!